Coping with Loss

On Saturday I shared a very personal post about my miscarriage without really knowing what the response would be, and even if I had thought about what the response could have been, I would have been wrong.  I am humbled.  I received hundreds of blog comments, facebook messages, facebook comments, text messages, phone calls, visits, and instagram comments.  Literally hundreds.  I found myself weeping reading through stories of women who have gone through a similar experience, or who went through something far harder then my experience.  I was given comments of support and love.  It meant the world to me.  I feel incredibly loved and supported.

One of the common elements that came through the messages is that, I was given advice for how to cope with this kind of loss.  Most of the women offering the advice, silently went through their miscarriage and no one even knows it happened.  I want some good to come of my experience, and so I thought to myself that there are probably other women out there silently suffering that could benefit from knowing that they are not alone and how other women were able to overcome the sadness.  There is no one right way to cope, but there are definitely some great ideas that I was given.

Before we get into that, though, I need to explain quickly why I shared my story.  Writing out my feelings was very important to me.  To see my own feelings written down, I was able to look at my words and analyze why I felt the way that I did, and it helped me to heal.  I could have written it in my journal and locked it away, but I published it for another important reason.  The last time I tried to lock away my feelings and not talk about them, I fell into a depression.  Two years after going through my depression, I wrote about it and I have been told by so many that it helped them to know that they weren’t alone.  I turned my experience into something good.  I hope that this experience will be the same.  I also want to make this very clear, I am not an expert in this by any means.  I simply want to share what so many beautiful women shared with me in the hopes that someone will be able to cope a little easier and heal a little faster.  If you would like to see some examples of the messages I was given, you should go look at the comment section of my last post.  The stories that are shared there are personal and heartfelt.  If you are going through this, you are definitely not alone.  These are the things that were shared with me that seemed to help and speak to my heart.

• I was told to imagine my pain, imagine my grief, imagine my hopes and dreams for that child, imagine all the emotions I needed to feel about the loss. Put those thoughts and feelings into a mental “box.” Now, imagine a shelf in your mind and put the box up on the shelf. Realize that at times you will need to take that mental box down. At those times, it is OKAY! Allow yourself to feel and remember and grieve…give yourself permission to feel everything you need to feel…to cry, to be sad, to mourn. But then, after a time, put that mental box back on the shelf. It will always be there. It is now a permanent part of who you are. But, you don’t have to carry it around with you all the time. Sometimes you need to take it down and revisit it. That is healthy and part of the healing process. But just remember to put it back on the shelf. In time, you will find yourself taking that box down less frequently. And, when you do it will be a little less painful. Yes, it will always be there and you can give yourself permission to take it down any time. But, it will also become something that will mold you and make you stronger, just so long as you do not allow it to become the sole thing that defines you.”
• the greatest comfort came from the knowledge that my sweet babies had come to earth, gotten a body, and had returned to live with our Heavenly Father. They had done all they needed to on this earth. Some day I will get to hold them, talk with them, and get to know them. For now, Heavenly Father and Jesus are watching over them for me.
• For me, it helps to think of the community of women that have also gone through this and are so kind and understanding. It’s never a good feeling, but it does help to know that you’re not alone.
• I found comfort in the thought that we would never forget this child. Life would move forward and there may be more babies, but this child would not be forgotten.
• I received a quote this week that has helped me. ” God, I know it is your plan, just help me through it” reminds me we are still human with human emotions and just need help understanding His plan.
• Pray and pray and pray some more. Hold on to your faith. It will get you through
• I sent off balloons to help with the healing. I know that you’ll get to raise this child later, and they will always be yours. After the initial grieving process I allow myself their due date to revisit those thoughts and feelings and the love I have for that child, then I go forward.
• One thing that helped me was the knowledge that no matter how alone I felt in my pain and sorrow our brother, Jesus Christ, knew my exact pain and he grieved with me. Just know that you will be sad for awhile, longer than you expect probably, but it will get better. But even as the hurt eases you won’t ever forget this brief little life you carried. It was real, and it matters. Soon you’ll find yourself with the strength to comfort others who are going through this.
• I found comfort reading about Joseph and Emma Smith who lost so many sweet babies and stayed so strong in trusting the Lord’s plan. Families are forever!
• I was having a hard time dealing with my loss and a friend, who has been through the same thing, suggested I do something in remembrance of my baby to help with the healing process and closure.  I now wear a necklace and it has brought me comfort to have that as a reminder.
• The thing that has helped me most to get through these are daily scripture study and prayer. It sounds simple but it makes a world of difference.
• We are linked eternally to our children whether they are ours in this life or not. The baby you lost is forever yours and you will hold him or her in your arms when you’re reunited in the next life. The temple always brings me great comfort
• Time heals all wounds. They are hardest when they’re fresh. But they are what make us beautiful, what build our character and help us understand those around us.
• If you get a chance, look up the song “In the Strength of The Lord” by Jenny Phillips. Listen to the lyrics and it will give you peace and hope.
• Find someone to lean on. Find someone who can see that you are hurting even when no one else can and will ask how you are doing when everyone has moved on.
• Feel it. It is ok to be emotional. Yell in your pillow. Cry in the shower. Do whatever helps get it out.
• The only thing that brought me peace is KNOWING that I would see my baby again.
• The Lord is amazing and he has perfect timing.  All of your children that you have waiting for you MUST come at a very specific time so they can meet the people they need to at the right time in their life.  If the timing is just a little bit off, they could miss some of the greatest moments in their life.
• This message http://mormon.org/jenny
• This song will make you cry, but it brought me peace http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A

This is just a sampling of the messages that I was sent.  I hope it brings you peace.  I know it helped me.  Just know that you are not alone and that there are so many women that are willing to share their stories and your pain if you will just let them.